Buy a House, They Said. It Will Be Fun, They Said.
Let me preface this by saying that, contrary to what this blog might make you believe, I am extremely excited to be a homeowner. I am also very lucky because one of my best friends is a real estate agent and made the process 1000x easier for us. With all of that being said, of course the process was anything but easy so I figured I would share some of our experiences.
Alas, here it is: a list of things I learned during the process of buying/moving into our first home...
1) Buying a house is the perfect opportunity to learn how much money you DON’T have
For the past two years, my wife and I have been paying much more than we would like for rent. Every time I brought up the cost of rent to my aforementioned realtor bestie, she would not-so-subtly roll her eyes at me and tell me that we needed to buy so we weren’t throwing that money away. My wife and I had a timeline though. We both needed to get steady jobs (check). Next was planning and having our wedding (check). Just two months after our wedding, we each bought a new car (check). Now that all of our money had gone into our wedding and new cars we thought “Welp, what better time to buy a house?!”
That’s when the real fun starts. You tell the realtor what you’re looking for, then talk to the bank and find out you cant actually afford what you want. Granted, living in a suburb of Philly doesn’t help the situation (as my mom reminded me countless times as she sent me much bigger houses that I could afford back in my small hometown).
It’s also exciting when your loan provider says, “You know, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to save up for a few months” and you immediately cancel all plans that involve any sort of money for the foreseeable future.
Eventually, you do find houses that are within your price range and are pleasantly surprised by ones that actually fall BELOW what you’re able to afford. Of course that excitement dissipates quickly when you go to visit said house and find out that it has a stench that didn’t come through in the pictures and that grandma is possibly still “living” in the basement (who knows...I know I wasn’t going to check the urn sitting down there).
But don’t give up! There is a house out there that will check off most of your “looking for” boxes sans smell and grandma.
As I made pretty clear in my wedding post, my anxiety tends to be a bit higher than most people, so of course buying a house was ultra stressful for me. Every time the bank asked me for another way to prove my income/spending history I would tell my wife, “They are going to say we can’t have the house!”
Because of this, I made sure I was on top of every request and, boy, were there a lot. Why is your address listed this way? What was that purchase you made five years ago in June? Is this really your job? By the end, I truly thought they were going to dig deep enough to find out about a crime that I didn’t even know I committed. Still, I submitted everything within a day or two of being asked.
Since we had a long gap between offering and closing, there was a lull where I was told nothing was needed from me. During this time, I was that obnoxious person emailing everyday saying, “Do you want anything else from me?!”
Of course, they didn’t want anything else until we got down to the one week mark and, suddenly, there were about a thousand things that they needed from me. Contrary to what I told myself, I made it through this last week relatively unscathed and the closing went through as planned.
To say my wife and I don’t fit the Home Depot lesbian stereotype would be an understatement. I can barely hang a picture without bodily injury and my wife is even worse off than me. For that reason, we wanted a “move in ready” house and we really did find one.
Our house is great. It has no big dents or dings. The walls were painted nicely (and bonus - the old owner left paint for touch ups). The carpet is in great condition. And the whirlpool tub (my favorite part of the house) was all ready for me. But you know what even a “move in ready” house doesn’t have? Furniture. Do you know what is really expensive and nearly impossible to put together? Furniture. Every time I see a new box on the porch, I initially get very excited before letting out a loud groan when I remember that I need to follow twenty chicken scratch steps before I get to enjoy it.
But let me tell you - it’s totally worth it in the end when you see the room start to come together. At least it is until your wife says, “I think we could use just one more chair in here...”
I love both my wife and my mom with all of my heart. They are the two most important women in my life and also the two women who can get under my skin more than anyone else. If anyone is wondering where my anxiety comes from, all they need to do is spend a few hours with my mom to figure out exactly who I inherited it from.
My mom means well, but her well meaning can sometimes be a bit much. Like on moving day, when she is trying to rush you to pack up every single part of your apartment even though you have reminded her countless times that you have the apartment for another 2.5 months.
Flash forward a few hours into moving when my mom is screaming about getting everything thrown into boxes as quickly as possible, while my wife is screaming that my mom’s screaming is stressing out her precious chinchilla.
Best way to put an end to it? Reach the end of your rope and yell at both of them about how they are on your last nerve, which is exactly what I did. A few minutes after my uncharacteristic yell, I walked into the now quiet room and calmly said, “Sorry for yelling, but I had no other choice.”
Surprisingly, they both apologized to me and each other. Score!
We were very happy with how our house did during the initial inspection. We were especially happy when we requested that the seller fix the few problems and he readily agreed.
Less than a week after moving in, we found ourselves saying more and more “is it cold in here?” Of course it was, since our heat wasn’t turning on properly. With that taken care of, we set our sights on figuring out why there was a gas stench coming from our fireplace. That was interrupted by one of our guests nicely telling us, “Your toilet is leaking. You need to get a new wax ring (wtf is that) or your floor will get ruined.”
Every time we mention these issues to our home owning friends, they laugh and joke, “Welcome to homeownership.” I guess one thing I have to look forward to is making this joke to my next naive friend who buys a house.
I’d like to include one bonus statement if you’ve made it this far:
Having a Christmas party just three weeks after moving in MIGHT not be the best idea.
My wife and I started to move in on November 18 and at this point thought, “Wouldn’t it be a great idea if we had some people over for a little Christmas get together just three weeks from now?” Fast forward to the day before said get together. We are running on limited sleep since we have been running around trying to make our house look somewhat presentable (even with a lack of comforter on our bed since it got lost in the mail). I spend my morning at work trying to address as many Christmas cards as possible between patients. When lunch comes, I run to Walmart to buy snacks, drinks, and plates/silverware. I come out of Walmart and start to put the bags into my car. Which bag slips out of my hands? Plates? Nope. Chips? Nah. Just the soda and sparkling cider, which covers my pants, my car, and the Walmart parking lot. But you know what? It was still the hap-hap-happiest Christmas party since Bing Crosby tap danced with Danny F’ing Kaye (if you don’t understand this reference please get off of my blog RIGHT NOW and watch Christmas vacation).
In all seriousness, I am beyond happy with our house. The truth is, we could probably have bought the house from “The Money Pit” and I would still be happy, because it belongs to my wife and I. To quote my book Finding Home (shameless plug, shameless plug), “When you find someone and they feel like home, you stay with them. Because in the end, it’s not the place that matters. It’s the people.” And I get to share my home with the most amazing person I know...
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