Writing My Own Story

Writing My Own Story

To those of you who read my blog about a year ago when I was still updating it (I should probably get back on that), this one is going to be a little different than what you were used to. I want this entry to be raw and real. I love my lesfic family and all of those who support me, and I always want to be open and honest with you guys.

So here it goes...

I've been struggling lately. The past few months have been hard for me, and I feel like I'm constantly battling between feeling sorry for myself and being angry at myself for not being more appreciative of the life I have. It's not that I'm unhappy per se, I just feel "stuck," which I think is an emotion many people can relate to. The other day my wife made a comment about how it always feels like we are waiting for something, and it struck me how true that was. We are big planners, so from the beginning, we started planning for our future. We waited for me to finish school so we could have more time together, waited to have enough money to plan a wedding, waited to be ready to buy a house. Currently, we are waiting to get pregnant and start a family. And don't get me wrong, we've had a lot of fun in all of the times between our big life events, but we always seem to have that "but just wait until..." attitude.

For me, its a constant struggle of living in the moment and looking forward to what's ahead. Looking ahead isn't a bad thing. When things are hard or not going as planned, it's nice to be able to look ahead and say "It isn't going to be like this forever" or "This will all be worth it in the end." But, this kind of thinking also takes away from the present moment. They say you shouldn't take any day for granted because you never know what will happen, but it's so easy to start feeling stuck in the day-to-day grind. For me, it's both a blessing and a curse that I have big dreams for my future. I have so many goals that I'm working toward and it's exciting to think about what life will be like if I can achieve them, but it also causes me to get stuck in that "I'll be happy when..." trap.

I can't lie. Trying to get pregnant has been mentally, emotionally, and physically draining. Spending so much time in the fertility clinic having blood work and ultrasounds done, then trying to keep the faith while also not getting my hopes up with each attempt, has left me exhausted. On top of that, I feel like I'm wasting my life away at a job I don't like. In my dream world (hopefully future not-so-dream-world), I'll be spending most of my time doing the job I've come to find that I'm truly passionate about (writing) and will have much more time with my family (ie wife and future children). And while I tend to be an optimist, I'm also a realist and realize I'm not at a point where I can just stick my middle finger up in the air and walk out of my job (although, some days it's really tempting).

So, that brings me back to where I started - waiting. Waiting for something to change. Waiting for things to work out. Just waiting. I've come to realize that while I write happy endings for my characters, I struggle with creating my own - mostly because I want it RIGHT NOW.

I'm making it my goal for this year (a goal that I want to achieve right now, not a year from now, not five years from now) to write my own story - a story that involves living in the NOW. I'm not sure exactly what that's going to look like and I know I'm going to slip up. There will be days I feel great and days I feel stuck, but I'm not going to stop trying.

Part of that involves going even more in depth with my writing. Not just completely immersing myself in the books I'm writing, but finding even more ways to communicate and connect with those in this amazing lesfic (and beyond) community. I'm going to try a lot of different ways to do this and some might be awesome and some might completely tank, but it's going to be a fun ride.

So, there you have it. Look out world - I'm writing my own happy ending, and it's going to be one heck of a ride.

Are you struggling right now as well? We're in this together. Let's make a promise to each other to make the most of the life we are living right now, and on the days where we just can't seem to do that, let's lean on each other.

Love you all!

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